Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Writing Under the Influence


This is what my head feels like (No, the one on the left).

This started out as a mindless rant about being sick and the affects it has on me when I try to be creative. But then you can guess what happened.

I got sick.

First let me say that when I'm sick I'm unable to really think straight for any length of time. Two coherent sentences strung together means I'm on the mend. Usually when I'm sick I struggle with verb/noun agreement and wondering just what the heck that little dot at the end of sentences is for.

I've heard some writers, published ones in fact, say they wrote some of their best stuff while in sick bed. Whoopee.

Look at the picture above again. That's my brain on influenza. Any questions?

Monday, September 21, 2009

The Artful Approach to Avoiding Blame




I have a friend who I use to spar with quite frequently. One of the things he used to do with the students who were just learning to spar would be to stop suddenly, point to the side and yell, "Look! Tree!" The student would look and John would thump them. This was usually good for one shot per student. Seldom ever twice.

This is my tactic when I find three typos in the last post. Instead of admitting to them, I instead will post the latest Dilbert comic, proclaiming it to be the funniest in some time and associate it with some past work experience.

Because I am pressed for time please perform the work experience association yourself.

Dilbert by Scott Adams

Dilbert.com

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Thoughtful Deception Through Written Words

What the Hell just happened?



I've been writing all my life. Even before I could write, I was writing stories in my head when I was playing. If I was playing with Hot Wheels, their was always something interesting that had to be said about the cars, the track or the race itself. Lincoln Logs and Legos had there own stories to be told. There was always something more there than just the toy.

I've always wanted to write, but more importantly I wanted to "be a writer." To me there is a world of difference between the two and for the longest time I thought "being a writer" was about being good enough to get paid for it. I've written pretty much in every form, from poetry to screenplays, novels to short stories.

And most of it was trash. Nothing a "Writer" would create.

Upon careful reflection the most valuable lesson I learned about writing was when I was a publisher myself and had to read through the unsolicited submissions. The magazine essentially published science fiction shorts and poetry. We called it Speculative Fiction to sound, well, I'm not sure what we wanted to sound like. I do know the capital letters were important.

There were several things I learned about magazine publishing and writing in addition to "What's the fastest way to loose $5,000?"
  1. Everyone has a story to tell.
  2. You are the perfect venue for that story, even if your guidelines specifically state you do not accept sexually explicit anthropomorphic fantasy. Their story will be the exception to the rule.
  3. There are more writers than readers.
  4. Every writer knows everything about your magazine despite having never read it.
  5. Always give specific instructions to printers when shipping artwork.
  6. Paper is more expensive than gold and it would be less expensive to blow it to the Moon than mail it.
Other than that, it was the most rewarding experience of my life.

After reading nearly everything that came though the mail slot, I learned something very important about my own writing. Boy, did I write a lot of crap.

A whole lot.

I mean a really huge amount of wasted ink on paper.

Now, there is the argument that all of that was valuable in my journey as a writer, in my fine-tuning the writing skills that now allow me to effectively express myself.

Great, but it's still a lot of crap.

Where does that leave me now? Do I consider myself a writer? Yes, I do despite the fact that I have been paid just under $1000.00 for all of my work and that was non-fiction and $25.00 of that I wish I could give back.

So why am I now suddenly a writer? Dunno.

Except have I told you the story about this really cool Boss Mustang I had and . . .

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Heroes

"I wouldn't know what I would do without you . . ."



Seriously, we all have heroes in our lives, whether we realize it or not. If you're gonna argue the point then you probably live in a shoebox under a bridge somewhere where it rains all the time. Too bad for you.

I was thinking about this a bit ago and it kinda broke down into three categories:

  • Family
  • Mentors
  • Idols
You can figure out which is which.

In no particular order, except for the first six.

  1. Arthur "Bud" Berg and Marilyn Berg, my Mom and Dad.
  2. Jennifer Berg, My Wife.
  3. Mark Berg, my Brother (I'm surprised too!)
  4. Christ
  5. Father Charles Palluck (retired), the holiest man I have ever known.
  6. Sa Bu Nim Thomas Zoppi, the teacher.
  7. Benjamin Franklin
  8. Cary Grant
  9. Chuck Jones
  10. Daffy Duck
  11. William Shakespeare
  12. Scott Adams
  13. Mark Twain
  14. John Wayne
  15. Henry Ford
I doubt this list is complete but one thing bothers me - the lack of women heroes. I thought about it and Indira Ghandi came to mind. She is a great woman but she has not been someone I constantly look to.

I should.

I'm not quite sure what this says. I'm sure that some may assume I'm a chauvenist, or at the very least unenlightened. Well, I went to college, was an arts major, I've read Uncommon Women and Others by Wendy Wasserstein (It wasn't on the production schedule so I had to read it at the time instead of seeing it). I've had a number of influential women in my life.

I get it.

But none except those I've mentioned above have knowingly had a profound affect on me.

And that's the key right there. Heroes are people we as individuals admire, look up to, idolize, worship, aspire to - however we set them apart as models and icons for ourselves. I don't expect everyone to agree with me. Far from it. Them point in sharing is tom reveal a little bit about me.

And if you're bothered by Christ and Daffy Duck showing up on the same list I doubt you know me.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Did You Hear The One About . . .

Or Humor at the Expense of Others.

This . . .



Followed by this . . .



(Um . . .)

(hold on . . .)

I have to admit it, I got nothin' except a lame banana peal joke.

What do you do when the idiots, morons and fools in your life go on sabbatical, vacation or just plain stay behind?

  • Work on a puzzle?
  • Host a martial arts sleepover with a couple of dozen kids, including teenagers?
  • Look for work?
  • Watch someone else be creative?
  • Whine?
This is the creative case. I'm now so far divorced from my previous position and circumstance that anything I write may sound petty and self-serving rather than insightful and thought provoking.

(sound of crickets chirping while my wife stifles a laugh)

The whole problem is it's easy to be funny and creative when others do it for you. If you can sit back in your cubicle, close your eyes and listening to the thundering sound of idiocy as it pounds its way through policy and procedure, then it just sort of flows out of you like a torrent.

If not you find yourself sitting at the dining room table staring at a blank screen wondering just where all the funny comes from.

It's the same no matter what. Where do your ideas come from? Personal experience? Complicated exercises designed to stimulate the creative process? The Idea Fairy?

Personally I like the last one.

Seriously.

Who wouldn't like the image of a middle-aged woman in a pink frilly dress floating through the air until she stops just above you. Suddenly she swings her wand down and cracks you on top of the skull leaving you with a huge red welt and a desperate need for an aspirin. The last thing you'll hear as you struggle to get to the medicine chest is the voice of a sweet old lady saying . . .

"Now that's funny."

Friday, July 31, 2009

Mutual Trust for Fun and Profit




Close your eyes and slowly lean backwards until you fall. If no one is there to catch you, you're attending the wrong team building exercise. There is one of two lessons to be learned here. First, be sure to confirm the correct meeting room, especially if you use Outlook as your scheduler. It is widely suspected that the Cult of Cthulhu initially spec'ed the design of this to drive their members insane. Probably the last time this product met its design goals.

Secondly, you could become a martial artist and learn how to fall correctly. It's amazing how experience in the martial arts can be applied to the business world. Here's just a few of the ways it can be applied.

But first, I want to mention a basic tenet in the style I study, train and teach in:

"Respect for yourself, your family, the school, and it's students."

If you broaden the definitions here, you can apply it to any hierarchy you choose.

Now to that list!

  1. Falling - learning how to kiss the pavement without injury is an important skill useful when you receive an unexpected compliment and may lose consciousness.
  2. Locks, Arm Bars and other types of immobilization - useful in various negotiation situations, either internal or external. Remember, when reversing the vice grip of an over-enthusiastic colleague out to impress you with their firm handshake, it may be excessive to reverse the grip into a lock and slam their face into the nearest wall while muttering, "Kiss plaster, Tinkerbell!" This is not recommended during Performance Reviews.
  3. The ability to grab a fly out of mid-air with chopsticks - This technique is often used to impress your boss with your patience and perseverance but is not recommended because once you catch the fly you will then be expected to eat it. Offering to share will only make matters worse.
  4. The ability to kick a person in the head, either with good control or full force - This is akin to owning a sports car and can be used in the same way. When the person you directly report to tells you that the work you painstakingly do is going to be outsourced to a vendor better suited to septic design you can console yourself with the thought, "I could put my foot so close to his ear he would mistake it for an ear ring." Of course, remembering the tenet above you would never do such a thing. Really, never.
There are many more possibilities and I may post as seems necessary. Suggestions are also welcome.

Serious foot note: The above is meant in the spirit of humor, satire and eye opening. I have trained for many years and believe the biggest lesson I have learned is how NOT to fight.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

I Get It!


I get it! I finally get it!


Dilbert by Scott Adams

Dilbert.com