Saturday, February 9, 2013

Selfless Promotion

Brigitte_Helm_in_Metropolis-650x498

There are any number of things I can see being promoted by people waving, flipping and tossing around signs by the side of the road.  Condos come to mind although I’m not sure how many people window shop for a new home that way.  Oil changes I’ve seen as well, usually with a ten dollar discount offer tagged on because you know it makes good business sense to sell a service below cost, AND pay your labor instead of just taking the labor hit.

There is one thing I never thought I would see promoted by these guys tossing the signs around on the sidewalk – the grand opening of an urgent care facility.  Those just scream walk in traffic.  What was the rational?  “Hurry, get out on the sidewalk and advertise our grand opening.  You never know when someone will be driving around with a sucking chest wound looking for just the right care provider.  And be sure to let them know about our two-for-one special!”

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Toilet Humor

inventory5

I’ll just say this much, the guy who invented the automatic flushing toilet does not get a cookie.  A kick to the side of the head, possibly but a cookie?  No.

There are any number of things that one can criticize about regarding public restrooms but I will only address this one simple subject.  Of all the decisions in my life that I need taken away from me, flushing the toilet is NOT one of them.  Ever.  At all.  Under any circumstance.  Even if a tidal wave is coming, I can handle it.

It’s not that I’m worried about being outsmarted by an irrigated ceramic thrown.  I just don’t want the damn things flushing all the time.  I would have thought that the purpose for having one of these masterpieces of modern science would be to save water.  That doesn’t seem to be the case at all.  Everyone of these idiotic things seems to be trying to erode itself out of existence from the inside.

You walk in, it flushes.  You look at it, it flushes.  You turn around, it flushes.  You look at it after turning around to figure why it just flushed, and it flushes.  You put that paper thingy down and it flushes, taking the paper thingy with it.  You use another paper thingy and sit down . . . AND IT FLUSHES! It would be like a bidet but a bidet never tried to suck you inside it.

Then, when you’ve finished and you are ready to depart you step away and . . . nothing.

Ever.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Why am I having this arguement?

So, is there any sane reason that you would argue with a two year old over whose cracker is on the plate?  Seriously, I was putting as much energy into this discussion as she was.

And by now, I don't remember whose cracker it was.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Liz the Kitty



Just a test with Liz in the cat stand.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Fatherhood, Who Woulda Thought?

SCI-FI-1

I kinda feel like this kid.  I’m just wondering if there is a primal scream thing going on.

Breathe.

Let’s talk about this fatherhood thing for a moment.  First words for instance.  It may have been, “Mommy.”  Possibly.  I didn’t hear that one.

“Daddy?”  Are you kidding!?  I’m the guy who holds the book and fills the bathtub.  I came with the house.

To be honest I don’t remember what her first words were.  I had to check.  It was, “Bye.”  Not the greatest one, not the one you dream about.  But not bad.  The kid isn’t screaming.  I believe she knows you will be coming back.  And she says it to EVERYONE.  Waves her hand and blows kisses too.

But there are memorable ones.  At least from my point of view.  Here’s an incomplete list – it’s always growing.

  1. “No.” – gotta love this one.  Let’s assert ourselves and be cute about it at the same time.  There are probably a hundred different ways she can say this and I just melt.  Then there’s the one way . . . moving on.
  2. “Dees” (This) – Not possessive, just indicating what she would like.  Even if there are three hundred things one the table, or nothing at all.  “What is it you want, Sweety?  This?  This?  How about This?  Maybe This? Or this?  Please!?  What do you want?  How about . . . hey, where did you go?”
  3. “Peese” (Please or Peas) – This could go both ways so you gotta watch your context here.  Watch for the sign language, that’ll help.  Unless she’s asking for peas and being polite about it, which she is a lot.  Then I just stare at her like an idiot.
  4. “Cookie” – Ah man, it’s so cute.  Don’t tell Mommy but you can have another.  In ten years I bet I get ratted out.
  5. “Again” – You wouldn’t think it but this is a dangerous one.  For example, would you like to know how many times I have read “Tumble Bumble” in one sitting?  You probably don’t want to ask me in person.  Email might be best.  Secondly, leg lift rides where she is sitting on my legs and I bounce her up and down and up and down and up and down and down and “Again.”  I’ve had less painful “near misses” in Tae Kwon Do.  And my Pappa didn’t give his son the greatest of knees in the first place.
  6. “Yes” – FINALLY!  Confirmation.  Validation.  A hint that we’re going in the right direction.  Or so we think. We’re probably fooling ourselves.

Notice how I subtly brought Mommy in on that last one?  I’m clever that way.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Introduction to “The last Seconds of Planet Earth

This is just a short piece of fiction I wrote a little while ago.  Originally I was going to enter a contest with it but that slipped away.  It’s been shopped a bit but I really wanted to present it with the photo.  The photo was taken several years ago in Kalaloch, Washington in January or February.  I had this image in mind when I wrote the short story.

The Last Seconds of Planet Earth

 

P1010050

 

     The car’s engine burned the last drops of gasoline and then slipped into silence. I shifted into neutral and let it coast the last few feet before it rolled to a final stop. I opened the door and slid out quietly. Just over the dunes to my right I could hear the Oregon Coast, the sounds of the ocean the only ones filling the air. I found it odd that it was deserted here. This would be the type of place I would spend my last moments, and so I was.

 

100 days ago.

     They came via television signal. They were everywhere, all the broadcast channels and cable networks. We couldn’t be rid of them, even if we wanted to. Scene after scene of the worlds they inhabited. The Abancans: thirty worlds strong and they were coming to us.

 

     I reached into the car to get my jacket and thought better of it. The beach was full of life and I wanted to feel all of it. I shut the car door for no real reason and made my way to the dunes and beaches beyond. I didn’t bother locking it. I did pull my collar tight and jammed my hands into my pockets. I crested the dunes, looking at the ocean beyond.

 

95 days ago.

     They were the Abancans. That was the only word, the only phrase we could decipher from the multitude of footage we received. We later realized that the rest had been deliberately distorted.

     They were somewhat like us, but with far more variety. Ruby red in color they were much more varied in height, weight - every aspect you could think of.

     Except for the color.

     We should have known then.

 

     I walked towards the water, watching little birds scurry at water’s edge, dashing in and out with the waves. In the past I may have thought it futile, now at least they had something to do.

     I started to walk down the beach. I glanced at my watch. I still had a little time, a lifetime really. I didn’t know what exactly I was looking for, just that I would know when I found it.

 

75 days ago.

     Then they let us know what to expect. Out of the sky would come great spheres, a quarter mile in diameter and the same ruby red as the Abancans themselves. They would show no obvious signs of propulsion but throbbed with energy, boundless energy. The spheres would approach slowly, defying almost every law of physics we knew, flaunting their power as they slowly descended from the sky. Then they would slow to a stop at roughly a kilometer and wait.

     We waited in anticipation and wonder.

 

     I had been walking for just a few moments when I came upon a large tree trunk that had been washed up on the shore. I sat down for a moment to rest. The last days had been draining in many ways, emotionally most of all. Another group of dashing birds waged a battle with the crashing waves as gulls flew overhead. The sky was spotted with white puffs of clouds but otherwise it was a clear, beautiful day.

     This was the place. This would be where I would breathe my last.

 

50 days ago.

     The truth.

     When the scenes on the televisions changed, they changed without warning. The time for acclimation was over. It was time for reality.

     On each of the thirty worlds we were now seeing what life had been before the Abancans arrived. Up until now we had seen only worlds teaming with happy, smiling Abancan life. Now we saw the worlds as they had been, teaming with their own awe inspiring diversity of life. Two caught the public eye. One race we nicknamed the Elephants, large and solid they seemed at piece with their world. The others were the Peacocks, a beautiful race devoted to art.

     They were all gone after the Abancans came, just stepping stones from one world to the next.

     That was when the riots started.

 

     I sat and watched the waves come in and out. They seemed to play with the birds, taunting them as they came and went. I was becoming quite attached to those little birds.

     The sounds of the ocean were invaded by something new and at first I thought that my final moment had come. It grew louder and I realized it was a plane, a single engine plane flying just above the tree tops. It passed over me and sped into the distance.

     In its wake a stream of thousands upon thousands of sheets of paper in all sizes fluttered to the ground. The little dashing birds ran in a fit of panic, the gulls pecked at them in hope that they were something to eat. I got up and walked a few feet to the nearest one and picked it up. I studied it as I walked back to my log. There was printing on both sides, plain and to the point. On one side was the number “31" with a “no” symbol on top of it. The other side was even simpler - a mushroom cloud.

 

25 days ago.

     During the broadcasts the Abancans made it quite clear what was going to happen. They also made it quite clear that resistance was pointless. On world after world they showed the Abancans being attacked with all manner of weapons, many of which man has not even dreamed.

     And nothing happened. The Abancan defenses were perfect.

     On the one hundredth day the spheres would then open and a bright, red cloud would pour forth. Whether it was a living virus or nanotechnology was meaningless. Shortly after the Abancans began their campaign things would begin to change. On most of the worlds the dominant life would transform into a new version of the Abancan people. On less fortunate worlds, the Peacock’s for example, the dominant form was somehow not compatible with the Abancan. They simply died.

     On those worlds another native species would then become Abancan. Then the Abancan would move to the next world, thirty so far.

     The loss of the Peacocks stunned and horrified the Earth. The riots faded until there was nothing left.

 

     I sat on my log and felt, more than anything else the end come. And I have to admit it made me smile.

     On the horizon great white plumes rose from the oceans. I knew that behind me the same was happening inland from silos in the ground. Above, aircraft from all nations of the world let loose their arsenals. Even in space, where we had lied to each other about their very existence, we turned the weapons upon ourselves.

     And on the Abancans.

     There would be no thirty-first Abancan world, and I could live with that.


copyright 2010 Daniel Berg

Things to come . . .

mark-twain

The direction of this little word fest has changed over time.  Originally I griped about the injustice of the working world.  I then expanded to anything that tickled my funny bone.

Now . . . now it seems that it may serve yet another purpose.

I’ve written most of my life and shopped a lot of stuff around.  Oddly enough I’ve been most successful as a poet and the least successful as a playwright.  So . . . what is my degree in?  Yep, drama.

Just another facet that makes me what I am.

Now I think I’ll throw some of my creative stuff up.  I get to present it the way I want and it satisfies my overly active ego.

Monday, November 1, 2010

What if?

the-three-stooges-2

What if I was actually able to write more than three sentences in a row without walking away from the keyboard?

Apparently I’m not.

Now to get back to the task at hand.  You would think that with the amount of time I have spent theoretically refining the craft of writing, some of the scathing criticism I have endured (after rightfully earning it), the cramped muscles and inflamed shoulder and the ton of software, books and everything else I have purchased that I would feel an overwhelming compulsion to sit down and furiously write.

After all, I love the creation of the written word, of the . . .

Hold on a sec.

Okay, I’m back.

What I’m talking about is some built in avoidance to physically sitting down and actually typing, sitting in front of the computer and pounding out whatever drivel trickles into my mind.  I am in desperate need of somehow being able to focus and not get distracted.

Sorry, baby break.

Currently I am actively writing two blogs, at least three short stories and a novel.  This is in addition to revising and submitting my resume as well as all the other things needed in finding a job.  (Ever apply for a government job?  The application process is very near to novel writing.)

Let’s see, I could budget my time.  Set aside a specific amount of time just for writing. Or a set number of words.  Some sort of achievable goal.

Hah!

Even before I was a father I wasn’t nearly that organized.  Now . . .

Back from baby pit stop.

I think the trick is to not give up, to not stop, no matter how long the  . . .  gap.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Test Drive's Healey on Chevy Volt tiff: Price is only real flaw - Drive On: A conversation about the cars and trucks we drive - USATODAY.com


Knock off the carping, sniping and snarking about the Chevy Volt (see earlier post here that includes GM's full-throated defense). The attacks from Volt rivals and from writers seem so silly, so irrelevant.

They are about on par with criticizing a diesel railroad locomotive because its diesel engines turn a generator that runs the electric motors that turn the wheels that drive the train. Who cares? Works fine."



Excerpted from a USAToday article by Chris Woodyard.


So, the Chevy Volt is about to hit the market and more and more information is coming out about how it works and so forth.

And along with that comes every knucklehead and his cat's opinion on how GM lied, what car is better, who has the worst labor and what political party is allied with then devil.

The article above is one of a growing number of comments in the media telling these nutjobs to get over themselves.

Amazing.

What's more, in the comments attached to the article these most of the posters ignore what's written and ramble off on there own. Much like me but at least I'm interesting. I have realistic role models - Scott Adams and Daffy Duck. Seriously.

I just thought it should be pointed out.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

There’s More To Life Than Being Stupid

cc_scturpin

I would say nothing makes you realize how unique you are in life than when you become a parent but my point of reference is biased.  How can you describe to someone who hasn’t felt it the overwhelming feeling of trust that engulfs you when you look deep into a child’s eyes, your child’s eyes?

I thought I understood it, but I didn’t.

Now I do and it scares the hell out of me.

It’s a good scaring the hell out of you because it is part of a larger (almost wrote lager there for a moment), a larger . . . “thing.”

It’s beautiful because it has allowed me to love my wife even more, something I did not think possible.  It has made me appreciate innocence and wonder more.  It’s made me “more.”

It’s also done one more thing, one new thing.  It has made me realize that part of me has to grow up.  Not the part that sees wonder and humor in every moment.  Not the part that let’s me and a six year old share a joke their parents don’t even understand.  Not the part that makes me young, but the part in me that lets me see what I need to be to the young, our young.  And that’s not a bad thing.

It’s quite an eye opener for someone who has been teaching, and I still believe successfully, young and old people how to allow themselves to be better people.

And me to be not as stupid a person as I have been.

I didn’t even know it had happened to me until it knocked me upside the head.  I can’t remember the last time I played with my trains.   Not because I haven’t, not because I don’t find it enjoyable any more.  But because I’m not as stupid and petty about my time as I once was.

I’ll still play with them, maybe, hopefully, share my passion for my hobby with my daughter.  I just don’t think I’ll be as stupid about it anymore.

Elizabeth Eleanor

DSCN0663

On May 31st, 2009 my wife gave birth to our beautiful daughter, Elizabeth Eleanor.  It completely freaks me out to use the terms “my daughter” and more importantly “our daughter.”

Freaks me out in a good way.  A good, tingly, exciting, scary sort of way!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

My Train of Thought

Trains0001largebw

This is my train of thought.  You will notice that it is sitting on a siding, going nowhere.  This is a very important analogy.  This predicament came about when I was writing an article for my much more serious blog, “The Secret Life of a Martial Arts Instructor.”  A place of thoughtful reflection upon the subject of teaching positive values using martial arts.

Here, here is the place where I bitch and moan a lot, while teaching positive values to zombies.

At least that was the plan.

I’m not waiting for the zombie apocalypse.  Real zombies move too slow they can’t even sneak up on each other. What I am waiting for is my train of thought to stay on the same track as I am.  Life would move along so much easier that way.

Point in case, look back to the first paragraph and see what I was really talking about.  I was talking about getting distracted while writing a martial arts article.

What do zombies have to do with that?

. . . ?

Writing is a journey and sometimes I get frustrated when things take an unexpected detour.  I should just shut up and enjoy the ride, I haven’t been disappointed yet on where I ended up.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Monkeys with Hammers

monkey_on_bicycle_vintage_121675737_yzs1

You can’t go wrong with a monkey with a hammer.  The possibilities are endless.

  • Politics – obvious but oddly necessary.
  • Corporate culture – see example, or just go to work
  • Music – wait, how can you tell anymore?
  • Reality Shows – who wouldn’t want to see a monkey with a hammer go berserk on American Idol?
Dilbert by Scott Adams

Dilbert.com

The point is, if there ever was one, is that a monkey can get away with a lot more than we could.  And,  AND it’s as entertaining as hell.  Stick a hammer in his or her hand and the world is your oyster.  At least until the monkey hammers the snot out of it.

Stick a hammer in the hand of a normal person and all you end up with is a very bad horror movie or the evening news.

Your choice.

Back to monkeys.  I’m not a huge monkey fan, certainly not like some friends of mine.  I fail to see the appeal of a screaming, fuzzy simian that is often more coherent than some of my more distant relatives.  Envy?  Possibly.  But stick a hammer in their hand and they’re golden (or intoxicated.)

Maybe it’s the hammer . . .

Thursday, March 4, 2010

I Have A Blog?

shirley_templ_baby_le_roy

Okay, so it’s been a while.  If you follow this blog then you may be led to believe that I think there are only 10 months in the year.

Aren’t there?

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

A Matter of Perspective


This is my grandfather, Carl Copper, born in 1893.  The photo was taken in Elwood, Pennsylvania in 1939.  I look at this photo and I can see my grandfather's entire life.  On the surface there is the struggle and hardship, but underneath there is much more - resilience, triumph and many more facets of a long, hard life.

To put things in perspective:

  • January 7th, 2007 - Apple announces the iPhone
  • November, 1987 - Microsoft introduces the first version of Windows
  • November 9th, 1989 - The Fall of the Berlin Wall
  • August 6th, 1945 - Nuclear Bomb "Little Boy" is dropped on Hiroshima
  • January 15th, 1929 - Martin Luther King is born
  • June 28th, 1919 - Treaty of Versailles is signed ending The Great War.
  • 1894 - Rudyard Kipling's The Jungle Book is published
It just makes me pause for a moment.

"Honor the Past, Look to the Future and Live in the Present."

-Me

    Sunday, October 18, 2009

    It’s OK to Think



    On the way home a few days ago I needed to pick up some things at the store so naturally I decide to stop at the local grocery store. Any opportunity to attempt to avoid buying chocolate is fine with me. The only complication to this plan was the weather. As I drove up the hill to our home I noticed the clouds getting lower. No problem, what's a little precipitation?

    Let's stop for a second and define what "a little precipitation" means to someone who not only lives in Western Washington, but was born here. "A little precipitation" means:

    • Noah has not been notified, yet.
    • You can still see the person waiting at the stop sign in the middle of the night at a deserted intersection.
    • Salmon are not running for public office. (It's a pun! Oh never mind . . .)
    • People still go swimming.
    So, I'm turning into the local QFC, destined to forget half of what I stopped for in the first place. Now it was raining. Not just a little but coming down in sheets so hard landmarks were being redefined. It was SOLID. I still get out to do my shopping, walking casually to the store because it really didn't matter how fast I went. The second I stepped out of the car I was soaked to the bone. I do my shopping, forget half of what I need and start for home. There is six inches of water in the parking lot which is pretty good considering we were on top of a hill. Just as I'm about to exit I have to wait. One of the landscapers hired to take care of the local scenery was walking the parking lot, gas-powered leaf blower strapped to his back.

    Huh?

    It still hurts to get my head around it. What was he trying to do? Any leaves were well on their way to Puget Sound via the public roadways. Salmon were spawning in the empty parking spaces. Was he trying to clear the water away? Was he trying to compete with nature and blow the rain back to God?

    Why did somebody not walk up to him and say, "You know, why don't you take a break until after the tide goes out." It doesn't even have to be his supervisor, just anyone to spark an idea.

    But no. He went about his job regardless of what was going on in the world around him. I can appreciate that type of dedication and I really don't want to write fantastic quips at his expense. The mindset is all too common today.

    But come on!

    Get the Hell out of the rain.

    Sunday, October 4, 2009

    Late Night Brainstorming

    or "It's 2:30 AM, do you know where your creativity is?"


    So, it's nearly 3:00 AM and my creativity seems to be turned on high. I've made some really good writing progress, bashing my way through some words that up until now just didn't want to come out. Sounds a bit odd but for some asinine reason I'm wide awake and writing like a fiend.

    Does this make any sense? Creative people tend to be a bit more eccentric than others. If you happen to be creative and dislike my reference to eccentric, take a gander at this and then get back to me in case you still feel it doesn't fit - from a generalized point of view.

    From Merriam-Webster.com: eccentric

    Good? Great, now let's move on and ponder the ramifications of creativity hitting at three in the morning.
    1. Sleep seems to be optional
    2. Vividly describing a sunrise is usually done through half-open eyes.
    3. Not everyone is a night person, which will likely include members of your family.
    4. Sane people are generally not available to bounce ideas off of, even if they are during the day.
    So, unless you are unwilling to take feedback from the cat it's just you. And let's be honest, who among us hasn't looked to the family pet for guidance at least once when we were in a jam?

    I guess the gist is that if you find yourself on a creative blitz while under the influence of sleep deprivation, you might want to review in the morning.


    Tuesday, September 29, 2009

    Writing Under the Influence


    This is what my head feels like (No, the one on the left).

    This started out as a mindless rant about being sick and the affects it has on me when I try to be creative. But then you can guess what happened.

    I got sick.

    First let me say that when I'm sick I'm unable to really think straight for any length of time. Two coherent sentences strung together means I'm on the mend. Usually when I'm sick I struggle with verb/noun agreement and wondering just what the heck that little dot at the end of sentences is for.

    I've heard some writers, published ones in fact, say they wrote some of their best stuff while in sick bed. Whoopee.

    Look at the picture above again. That's my brain on influenza. Any questions?

    Monday, September 21, 2009

    The Artful Approach to Avoiding Blame




    I have a friend who I use to spar with quite frequently. One of the things he used to do with the students who were just learning to spar would be to stop suddenly, point to the side and yell, "Look! Tree!" The student would look and John would thump them. This was usually good for one shot per student. Seldom ever twice.

    This is my tactic when I find three typos in the last post. Instead of admitting to them, I instead will post the latest Dilbert comic, proclaiming it to be the funniest in some time and associate it with some past work experience.

    Because I am pressed for time please perform the work experience association yourself.

    Dilbert by Scott Adams

    Dilbert.com